The First Pregnancy
A few days before my missed period I knew; the way a pregnant woman “just knows.” I was exhausted; my breasts were sore; and as I was driving home from Target, I felt like I was being suffocated by the overwhelming smell of the fabric softener that was packed way back in the trunk of my car. At 5 weeks gestation, I went to my doctor to confirm the pregnancy. At 6 weeks, on Father’s Day, I told my family. My sister gave me the book What To Expect When You Are Expecting; I began looking at cribs online; my husband and I chose a mural for the nursery wall. At 9 weeks it was over.
I remember the concerned look on my doctor’s face as he searched for a heartbeat. I ignored the black and white screen to the right of me. My eyes were fixed on him as he looked once, he repositioned and looked twice, his face fell as he searched for the third and final time. I knew that it was over before he said anything. His sympathetic eyes are burned into my memory. This moment plays over and over again in my mind.
The hardest part was telling my family. No…wait…the hardest part was telling my girlfriend who was also pregnant. There is a strange sort of guilt that is felt when you are pregnant and a friend miscarries; I didn’t want this for her. I hated that I had to tell her. When the doctor left the examination room I looked at my husband and said, “Poor Maria.” She was the first person I called. “Man down,” I uttered as she answered the phone; a little humor to soften the blow.
Then it was time to call my family. Phone call after phone call; it never became easier breaking the painful news. I felt like I had let everyone down.
Why is our first instinct to protect everyone else? Maybe it’s the maternal nature that consumes us while we are pregnant. Or, maybe it was just me. Maybe I was protecting myself, making it about everyone else…anyone else but me.
July 29th, 2010 saat: 8:49 pm
I love it! I love you!
July 31st, 2010 saat: 3:37 pm
It is honesty such as this that makes women stronger…thank you!! Xoxo
August 11th, 2010 saat: 9:49 pm
I felt as if I wrote this. And then when my eyes caught “poor Maria” before I got to that line I wondered if I did write it.. but Maria is your friend and not you.
I laid on the table hoping I was wrong and hoping the doctor would tell me everything was fine when I knew it wasn’t. That baby would have been my 2nd and I would have had her (I just feel it was a her) last month.
I still break down and cry almost every day and I feel VERY alone.
August 12th, 2010 saat: 9:57 am
Thank you everyone for your support on my first blog post.
@ Maria, I feel your pain. The whole process of miscarriage can be very isolating. My due date for my second miss was also July 2010. Please know that there are others out here who are traveling the same lonely road. You are not alone. We all need to stick together!
August 12th, 2010 saat: 4:54 pm
i too appreciate your honesty and agree that truth and acknowledgment brings people closer together.
August 18th, 2010 saat: 2:06 pm
Wow. You wrote this on the exact same day that we found out about MY miscarriage. I almost feel like we were destined to meet, lol. My first appointment was on the 26th and I had the same experience…searching and searching but nothing was ever found. It was a “missed miscarriage”. I had the D&C last week
August 18th, 2010 saat: 4:06 pm
i can’t imagine how difficult it is to experience the joy and excitement of finding out you’re finally pregnant, and then not, almost as quick. so many families go through this painful dilemma and can empathize, but no one really talks about it.
thank you for being so candid and honest. i love you and i know it will happen (for you and us). you are a strong, wonderful woman and will make an amazing mother one day.