WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?

So, here I am creating imaginary pregnancy symptoms.

A few months back, my doctor told me I could start trying for a baby again. These phantom symptoms emerge each time my husband and I try to conceive.

First, nausea slowly sets in. Then, I begin getting sharp stomach cramps, which I decide is caused by implantation, (can you even feel implantation?) I start to develop aversions to food. My stomach churns as I attempt to chew the chicken that I made for dinner; the smell of my husband’s deodorant becomes extremely intolerable.

What I’m trying to say here, is that when I’m trying to get pregnant, I completely loose my marbles. I turn into this crazy, pseudo pregnant person.

Why do I do this to myself? I am well aware that I ovulated while my husband was away for business. Still, I hurl myself into the idea that conception magically happened, and that I am indeed with child.

This month, while obsessing over my imagined pregnancy, I am almost positive that I unknowingly used an undiscovered super power to push my period back 4 days. It could happen, right?

If Buddhist monks can lower their heart rate to an almost un-detectable level, I can’t see why it is impossible for me to have subconsciously held my period off for a few days.

Over these four days, which felt like four weeks, I went through three pregnancy tests. I actually used two of them in one day. For what should have been a very obvious reason, each test gave me a negative result. Instead of accepting the discouraging words that glared up at me, “not pregnant”, I began making up reasons why the tests could be wrong: it was too early in the pregnancy, I drank too much water, I didn’t pee enough.

On a side note, I want to know how there is a television show called, “I didn’t know I was pregnant”? There should be a show called, “I thought I was pregnant, tricked myself into thinking that I was actually pregnant, but still wasn’t pregnant.” I could star in this show.

Anyway, today the whirlwind came to an end as I awoke doubled over with excruciating pain that came for my lower abdomen. The truth had come. I couldn’t hold my period off any longer. The three pregnancy tests were correct, and I am in fact, not at all pregnant. I am convinced, however, that I am a dramatically ambitious woman with menstruation altering super powers.